So Sorry

So as I debated how to type my update, I realized my title has two meanings.

The first is my apology to you, any readers that I may have, for not updating in so long. The weekend after the last post was Easter then the following week was my daughter's spring break so I was extremely busy.

The second is God's message to me. You see, on the 30th of April, I started spotting and lost my baby. Some of you can relate as you too have had a chemical pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy is when you have enough hcg in your body to produce a positive pregnancy test but you lose it within a week or two of testing. Typically by 5 weeks from what I understand. It's becoming more 'popular' as more and more women are able to test earlier and earlier before their periods. If they waited until they were 'late' (and didn't chart for that matter) they would assume they were just late as it's not much worse than a typical period would be with flow and pain. Most of the time. I just had a friend experience one and her cramping was pretty intense, poor thing.

Anyways, back to my topic. For whatever reason, God was telling me "Sorry, now is just not the time for you" As a result, I retracted further away from 'knowing' and decided to stop temping altogether. I would just put down on a calendar when I started my period to know when I was 'late'. But after a few days realized I would/could dwell on that so I removed it (placed it on an app) and simply changed it to a note on that day so it's not clear cut icons of what's going on. I'm trying desperately to distract myself with daily activities so that I will hopefully not notice when I've gone longer than 4-5 weeks. I would rather not know in the beginning so I can have less time to dwell/stress over making it to the 2nd trimester vs know and see a doctor and everything in the beginning which would add more stress potentially.

This last week has been rough on me. I would wake up, be fine for a few hours then just exhausted. I tried not napping hoping it would just work it's way out of my system but that didn't work. So I tried napping and nothing could relax me at all to fall asleep. So then the migraines started. I finally tried pain killers and nothing. Thought maybe it was a caffeine headache so tried caffeine. Nothing. I dealt with this from Tuesday all the way through to Sunday and then at church actually felt a bit better. I came home and put my son down for a nap and went to my workbooks for the two classes I'm taking through different groups at church (realized I forgot to do them during the week). My son woke up at normal time and wanted to nurse so as I nursed him, started falling asleep. Laid him down and he was still asleep. We not only napped for 2 1/2 hours, it was the best nap I had had all week AND he had napped for 4 hours total! Pretty sure it was God all along trying to get me back in the Word and was disciplining me until I did. I don't know what I will do when summer starts as my two groups don't meet over the summer!

I decided that God does plan for me to 'have' (biologically or adoption) more children. Not sure how or when or why but (and feel free to correct my thinking if I'm wrong-PLEASE!) I don't think He'd be so 'cruel' to let me get pregnant and then take the child away. In my mind, if I'm done having kids, He would make me infertile as we wouldn't have the time or money to devote to a fertility specialist and would make me trust Him even more. So I think He's saying, "Yes, but wait please" I also wonder if I won't have a healthy pregnancy until my son weans. Please read what I wrote. I didn't say you cannot have a healthy pregnancy if you are still breastfeeding. I said I won't have one until my son weans. My body has always been greatly affected by the slightest change. In this case, breastfeeding is lowering my progesterone too much to sustain a pregnancy but it's high enough to GET pregnant. I won't wean my son though. He gets to decide when we are done.

Well I think that is all that I have to type for today. Still praying to God for strength in the days ahead and that if He ultimately decides I'm done, that He can fill my heart with my true destiny.