So Sorry

So as I debated how to type my update, I realized my title has two meanings.

The first is my apology to you, any readers that I may have, for not updating in so long. The weekend after the last post was Easter then the following week was my daughter's spring break so I was extremely busy.

The second is God's message to me. You see, on the 30th of April, I started spotting and lost my baby. Some of you can relate as you too have had a chemical pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy is when you have enough hcg in your body to produce a positive pregnancy test but you lose it within a week or two of testing. Typically by 5 weeks from what I understand. It's becoming more 'popular' as more and more women are able to test earlier and earlier before their periods. If they waited until they were 'late' (and didn't chart for that matter) they would assume they were just late as it's not much worse than a typical period would be with flow and pain. Most of the time. I just had a friend experience one and her cramping was pretty intense, poor thing.

Anyways, back to my topic. For whatever reason, God was telling me "Sorry, now is just not the time for you" As a result, I retracted further away from 'knowing' and decided to stop temping altogether. I would just put down on a calendar when I started my period to know when I was 'late'. But after a few days realized I would/could dwell on that so I removed it (placed it on an app) and simply changed it to a note on that day so it's not clear cut icons of what's going on. I'm trying desperately to distract myself with daily activities so that I will hopefully not notice when I've gone longer than 4-5 weeks. I would rather not know in the beginning so I can have less time to dwell/stress over making it to the 2nd trimester vs know and see a doctor and everything in the beginning which would add more stress potentially.

This last week has been rough on me. I would wake up, be fine for a few hours then just exhausted. I tried not napping hoping it would just work it's way out of my system but that didn't work. So I tried napping and nothing could relax me at all to fall asleep. So then the migraines started. I finally tried pain killers and nothing. Thought maybe it was a caffeine headache so tried caffeine. Nothing. I dealt with this from Tuesday all the way through to Sunday and then at church actually felt a bit better. I came home and put my son down for a nap and went to my workbooks for the two classes I'm taking through different groups at church (realized I forgot to do them during the week). My son woke up at normal time and wanted to nurse so as I nursed him, started falling asleep. Laid him down and he was still asleep. We not only napped for 2 1/2 hours, it was the best nap I had had all week AND he had napped for 4 hours total! Pretty sure it was God all along trying to get me back in the Word and was disciplining me until I did. I don't know what I will do when summer starts as my two groups don't meet over the summer!

I decided that God does plan for me to 'have' (biologically or adoption) more children. Not sure how or when or why but (and feel free to correct my thinking if I'm wrong-PLEASE!) I don't think He'd be so 'cruel' to let me get pregnant and then take the child away. In my mind, if I'm done having kids, He would make me infertile as we wouldn't have the time or money to devote to a fertility specialist and would make me trust Him even more. So I think He's saying, "Yes, but wait please" I also wonder if I won't have a healthy pregnancy until my son weans. Please read what I wrote. I didn't say you cannot have a healthy pregnancy if you are still breastfeeding. I said I won't have one until my son weans. My body has always been greatly affected by the slightest change. In this case, breastfeeding is lowering my progesterone too much to sustain a pregnancy but it's high enough to GET pregnant. I won't wean my son though. He gets to decide when we are done.

Well I think that is all that I have to type for today. Still praying to God for strength in the days ahead and that if He ultimately decides I'm done, that He can fill my heart with my true destiny.

I Can Do All Things....

Sorry for the delay. This week has been busy with Monday night group, Tuesday morning mom's group, spending the day with my kids then running errands today.

So I wasn't patient and tested on Monday:

Now I know the 'Pros' will see the squinter there. I'm so happy! A December baby! Guess date between my Birthday (the 3rd) and Christmas!

I was in baby bliss Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Told everyone I came across. Then on Thursday I took another test so that I can send out a better shot to everyone and it'll be a good for our announcement pictures as well.

It came out lighter.

I had an appointment later on (same day-today) so I had physical confirmation from a professional for insurance purposes. They told me it came back negative.

I spent part of the day upset, worried, nervous and then finally sat down and prayed. While I was praying and after, I had the radio playing our local Christian station. After a few hours of this, I felt at peace and decided the tests were faulty or testing at different sensitivities (my hpt and theirs).

I checked the one from today and noticed the control line is also lighter than the test I took on Monday so I'm figuring today's was faulty.

Depending on how you look at it, I'm either 1 day late, 3 days late, or 5-7 days late. Today I'm 15 dpo. With my B6 I would normally start my period at 12 dpo and without it, I would start at 8-10 dpo. I stopped my B6 before this cycle started.

I still believe I'm pregnant and will not be testing again at home unless God tells me otherwise (I would love to test Saturday or Sunday!!). Until then, I'm scheduled to have another test done on Thursday at the clinic again.

Another Bit of Encouragement? *Edit*

So today while I was organizing my coupons, I saw something lodged in my binder a little goofy. I picked at it and discovered the oddest thing. It was a 'person piece' from the game of "Life". It was pink.

Now, the other night, my children and I played that game. But we were in the dining room and the binder was in my bedroom. So how that piece got into my binder completely boggles me.

But here's the kicker: why the PINK one? Why not a blue one? Is it cause I would love to have a girl next? I wasn't sure so I silently thanked God if that's His plan and went on with couponing.

An hour later, my son came up to me (he's 2) pulled up my shirt, pointed to my belly and said 'baby'. I asked my daughter if she heard him and she said she thought she heard wrong. So I pointed to my belly and said to him, "What's in there?" He said "Baby"

Oooh I'm so excited!!

*Edit*

An hour and a half later while we were out running errands, I started cramping. I just about started crying. I'm not upset at God at all but just extremely upset with myself. Obviously God has been telling me something and clearly, I'm misinterpreted them. Cause I believe I will be getting my period soon.

Today is 11 dpo I believe. Prior to supplements, I never made it this far. I usually bled at 8-10 dpo. With supplements, I made it to 12 dpo. I don't believe I ever made it to 13 dpo before starting my cycle again. 

I planned on testing on Tuesday. If I'm not bleeding tomorrow, I will need to pray for strength to not test early and hold off just one more day.

Please God, give me the patience and strength to hold out two more days! Please don't be playing tricks on me or allowing Satan to take hold of me through my fears. In Your Name, Amen

Two Posts in One Day? Say it Isn't So!

Well as I'm sitting here figuring out my couponing plan for next week (yes, I'm one of those people) I realize the annoying pain I have been ignoring is cramping.

I'm not sure if it's period cramps, implantation cramps, or if it's diarrhea cramping. I'm not feeling tired, sore or sick yet so I am undetermined which one it is. I believe I'm roughly 9 dpo (could be as early as 8 or as late as 10 dpo). Prior to taking supplements, AF would arrive as early as 8 dpo and as late as 10 dpo. While taking supplements, usually she would arrive 12-13 dpo.

With my last pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage, I felt implantation cramps and they were distinct on one side of my uterus. What I just felt was central.

It got me scared. I was so hopped up on this being it for me and I was being blessed by trusting God so wholeheartedly that this was a terrifying blow. Instead of wallowing in it though, I immediately went to prayer. Asking God to stop it if it's gonna make me think I'm not pregnant. I know that sounds confusing, but me and God? We click. In any event, they stopped!

Guess we will find out tomorrow or for sure by Sunday! Hoping and praying that I can remain faithful!

Wow, Wow Wow Wow

I love how the Lord 'dumbs things down' for me! It so amazing!!!

Recently, I had a conversation on a friends social networking page. He isn't a Christian and neither were the majority of his 'friends' on there as well. There were one to two that clearly were and myself. We were discussing his topic of giving praise to the Lord when we receive a blessing that he thinks wasn't from God but instead something we did all on our own.

One of his friends and I hit head on. Apparently, I'm not permitted to use the Bible to defend my beliefs...yet he was able to use it against me. I didn't point that out but never gave up on it. There were things he was saying to me about being controlled by God and I have no choice in my life, etc. I kept fighting for my beliefs and then it struck me, God wanted me to meet this person.

Backtrack: We were given a mission from our church to think of someone to invite to come to Easter services. We are to pray for them. 

Well I realized this was my 'One'. I, in a round about way, brought this up in the conversation that I realized this guy was the one God wanted me to meet. After that, either I got blocked from the conversation or it was removed. I'm unsure as the page owner commented how many comments he got on it in a seperate post.

I began praying 1-2 times a day at least for this guy. Then the other day I went on to his profile as up until that point I had only seen his thumbnail and he seemed like a normal looking person. Once I saw a larger size of his picture, his eyes scared the living daylights out of me!!! Swear to God, I was looking into the eyes of Satan himself!

I began praying more for him. Clearly, his life is being controlled by the enemy! Then, today while doing my Esther study, I came across the most amazing realization!

She says, "Satan is...deceiving and manipulating (John 8:44)" and then further says "Over and over I am astonished at the effectiveness of our enemy to deceive people into thinking that Christianity is bondage, but his path (disguised as human independence, Matt. 16:23) is freedom." (Esther "It's Tough Being a Woman" Beth More p. 161)

Keep in mind, here's some of the things the person had told me in our conversation:

"You poor people imprisoned in a lie of delusion that you have (willingly) swallowed and now allow to run your entire existence and even base your future decisions on the promise made in a book ... it's sad to me that you can see just as well as anyone else that is rife with contradiction....stop living your lives as pathetic sheep and take hold of the only chance at happiness you are ever going to have. NOW. Stop living in fear. You are all afraid of the boogeyman. Nothing more."

"If you can actually say you don't fear god, why are you listening to his every command? do you have no spine? Do you have no free will? Are you 100% happy with being a slave to worship him out of your "love" not because you don't "fear" him.....Are you absolutely happy with being watched over day and night from your very conception to all eternity and judged by some thing that will not do you the courtesy of making itself plainly known for all man kind to see and witness? Do you actually believe this universe was created just for "you" Do you realize that if you are told something enough times no matter how illogical and obvious of a lie it is that you will believe it as truth? It's human psychology"

"How can I be misguided when I'm the one doing the guiding? (Insert my name), to you I say, you are misguided...You are the one being led around life with the collar of religion held in the hands of god...It's nice to know (god) loves you so much he made a hell to throw you in if you don't meet his expectations. What a twisted and misguided view on the notion of unconditional love ... Doubt is not the devil. Doubt is the voice of reason in the cascade of ignorance required to hold so strongly to your delusion"

Am I imagining it or is the devil using this man to try and trick me??

Unusual Weather

So yesterday we had our first storm of the year, and it was extra special as it was the first day of Spring! I was so excited! I sat in front of our sliding glass door with my son and we listened to it while bundled up =)

Today we've had a mixture of snow, rain, sleet & hail but mostly hail. And wind. It's been crazy.

I woke up to my temp spiking .4 degrees! I *think* I am 8 dpo and prior to this cycle of using no supplements, I usually started my cycle over as eaerly as 8 dpo. My hormones are crazy though =( Poor kids.

Still praying for my rainbow baby and above all else, mellowing myself out so that I act like a sane person.

Blessed Morning

So I recently was reading my study of the book of Esther and it talks about in the book of 1 Samuel when God was talking to Samuel and Eli told him what to say when God speaks to you, say "Speak, your servant is listening" (1 Samuel 3:10 NLT). It also discussed when King Xerxes couldn't sleep cause the Lord was keeping him awake for something. 

Last night I had trouble sleeping. Prior to this lesson, it never occurred to me that maybe God wanted me to know something. So last night I said "Speak, your servant is listening" and I honestly don't know what He told me, but I immediately fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning to take my daily temperature, I was saddened to see it's steadily dropping. That little voice told me "You are not pregnant, silly. In fact, you should have still been taking your supplements as it looks as though you will go back to your short luteal phase" I felt like crying but couldn't as I didn't want to wake my son up. Instead, I prayed to God and asked for His comfort and for Him to show me what is going on.....this was my reply:

"My child, trust me"

It seems so simple but it can be so hard with the Devil whispering in your ear. It also seems a little funny the Lord chose that exact phrase as it's always what I tell my kids when I do something they don't understand. I always say "Trust the Mommy please!" Wow....

So I fell back asleep and woke up before my son and opened my Bible app to do my daily devotion. The devotion I follow currently is "Lifetime Daily Devotions" with Anabel Gillham. Todays devotion was spot on and perfect =)

You are the Battleground

How I pray that these thoughts will be a source of strength to you, for you, and through you (and all of those are different). Ponder them carefully, prayerfully. Listen, the Lord is talking to you....

Do you see that the Life in you that the enemy longs to crush is the same as it was when I threw him from Heaven? His battle is against Me-you are the battleground.

I am conforming your soul into the likeness of Christ. Because Satan, as the Deceiver, knows what that will mean for him, he uses all of his resources against that goal of Mine. He attacks through whatever circumstance he can to defeat My plan and so keep you from setting your mind on My provision for the battle. His goal is to keep you from becoming conformed to the image of My Son and to keep you from walking by faith.

You are no threat to Satan as you accept his lies and temptations, but as you come closer and closer to the image he battles more intensely. His goal is and always has been to crush Jesus Christ. That is why I provided a way for you to die and be "born again," thus creating your New Life in Christ Jesus. He is the One who will do battle. But you must let Him and trust Him.

Dear One, you are My creation. I dwell within you. You must begin to realize: the battle is Mine, not yours!! I have delivered you.

Your salvation is in Christ Jesus...

His Life in you is your victory...

His strength is what will win the battle that rages against your mind as the enemy seeks to destroy 'longs to destroy' the temple of God...YOU!

Psalms 25:4-5

John 16:33

Romans 8:28-29

1 Corinthians 6:19

Ephesians 2:10

Philippians 4:13

Did you see that at the end of paragraph 4? There it is again, "trust Him"

I don't know about you, but I'm trusting Him!!